Makaubos

(Orihinal na naipaskil Biyernes, Disyembre 10, 2010, ng 10:19 n.g.)

Isang tulang naisulat matapos pagmasdan ang ngumingiting silay ng buwan na nagpapanginig sa laman.

Tila ka isang multo.
Nguni't hindi katulad ng mga multong bigla na lamang sumusulpot
Nakatitig sa akin gamit ang mga matang tinatanglaw ang apoy ng poot.
Hindi ka katulad ng mga multo ng aming angkan
Na nagpaparamdam gamit ang mga alaalang iniwan nila noong sila'y nabubuhay.
Hindi ka katulad ng mga multo ng baliw na lungsod
Sumusulpot, nananakot, naghihimagsik, nagpupumilit muling mabuhay
Sa ilalim ng mga ilaw dagitab ng isang mundong mas patay pa sa kanya.

Tila ka isang multo.
Nguni't hindi katulad ng mga multo ng aking kabataan
Na nakikita ko sa pananakot ng aking mga magulang
Ukol sa mga Bumbay, mga pulis, mga security guard, mga Intsik.
Hindi katulad ng isang taong grasang ibinabalala sa aki'y nangangagat
At kakapit nang walang likat
Hanggang hindi ko siya nabibigyan ng barya.
Hindi ka katulad ng mga babaeng multong lumulutang sa karimlan
Na sumisigaw ng dugo't katarungan
Matapos iwan ng mga minamahal at mga gumahasa.
Hindi ka katulad nila.

Ikaw ang multong nabubuhay.
Ang multong hindi nalalaman na siya'y patungo nang walang hanggan
Kahit umiiral pa sa kanyang sariling lunan.
Ikaw ang multong likha ko
Nguni't hindi ko talaga likha
Sapagka't kung akin talagang gawa
Ay magagawa ko ring masira.
Ikaw ang multong patuloy na nananahan sa gunita
Sapagka't ikaw ay hindi ko magawang mayakap
Kahit posible naman ang magkadaupang-palad.
Ikaw ang multong laging bumabalik sa tainga ang bungisngis
Kahit na ang bulong mo'y hangin na ang uminis.
Ikaw ang multong nahihimlay ng payapa
At natitiyak kong anghel ka ngang talaga.

Nguni't sa tuwing maglalakad sa gabing pusikit
Sa gunita'y hindi mapigilang maramdaman ang sakit
Pagka't ang pangangarap sa iyong pagbabalik
Nagbibigay lang sa akin ng kaunting ulik-ulik.

Kaya narito, ang pluma ay muling nananahimik
Dahil ang panginginig sa iyong pagbabalik
Upang ang kaluluwang sawi'y muling mahindik
Ay nagdudulot sa aking mag-ulik-ulik
At mawalang-saysay ang lahat ng aking titik.

Eat! Restaurant
64 E, Calzada Esteban Abada
10:09 ng gabi.

Bakit "Bakit"?

(Orihinal na naisulat Miyerkules, Disyembre 1, 2010, ng 10:08 n.u.; mula sa isang panukalang tema ni Ka-Tamang Henrey Benitez)

Nakakapagod rin minsan magpaliwanag.

Madalas nating pinag-uusapan kung ano ang sanhi at bunga ng mga bagay-bagay sa paligid natin. Kung bakit hindi puwedeng "basta" na lamang ang katanggap-tanggap na paliwanag; siyempre, alam mo namang pagdating sa "basta," mayroon nang panganib ng pagkatapos ng pag-uusap. Katulad ng pinagmamalaki nating slogan ng Love Radio na "Kailangan pa bang i-memorize yan?", nasa panganib ng pagsasabi ng "basta" ang posibilidad na hindi na natin pag-iisipan ang ginagawa natin dala marahil ng pananabik, pagmamadali, pagnanasang makatapos, karuwagan, pagkatakaw, pagkasakim. Minsan kapag sinasabi na nating "basta", ipinagpapalagay nating hindi na natin kailangang ipaliwanag dahil ang akala natin alam na ng kausap natin. Alam na dahil naranasan na. Alam na dahil kasama natin siya sa dating karanasan. Alam na dahil pareho ng pinagdadaanan. Alam na dahil pareho ang pinag-uusapan at layon.

Alam na.

Marami sa ating nagpapalagay na dapat "alam na natin" ang mga bagay-bagay. Alam mo na dapat kung ano ang ID number mo. Alam mo na dapat na may nanalo ng 741M sa Lotto nitong Lunes. Alam mo na dapat na mayroong masama diumano sa Neozep kaya huwag ka munang magkakasipon (o kung malas ka talaga, mag-Decolgen ka muna). Alam mo na dapat na kapag pupunta ka sa job interview e dapat nakasuot ka ng matino, naligo, nag-ahit, naghanda magsalita at maging pormal kumilos. Alam mo na dapat na kung papasok ka sa klase ay dapat nakapagbasa ka ng mga babasahin, at kund hindi e yayariin ka ng guro. Alam mo na dapat na hindi ka dapat nagkakalat sa harap ng maraming kaibigan ng sinisikap mong ligawan (unless natitiyak mong mas may kiling sila sa iyo) kung ayaw mo malaglag at makasira ng pagkakaibigan. Alam mo na dapat na kapag boring na ang guro at hindi ka na dapat nakikinig... DOTA NA!!! sa ever-convenient na laptop habang kunyari ay nagtatala ng mga nota. Alam mo na dapat na hindi ka dapat mamalahiyo (plagiarism para sa mga hindi nakakaunawa; abangan ang Ikatlong Isyu ng Matanglawin! *shameless plugging*) sa isang pamantasang kayang sirain ang self-respect ng isang pangulo ng Board of Trustees na nagkasala ng ganoon. Marami nang dapat ay inakala nang "masyadong obvious" na ang isipin na may hindi nakakaunawa nito ay "baliw" o "iresponsable."

Baliw. Iresponsable.

Tuwing magkakaroon ng labasan ng iskandalo o mga sablay na nagawa, mabilis kaagad tayong mambato at manisi. Mabilis tayong makibahagi sa paglibak sa mga itinuturong maysala kahit hindi natin alam kung makatarungan nga bang gawin yaon o hindi. Yung ibang-iba sa atin ay hindi natin magawang mayakap, hindi natin magawang harapin nang maayos at ituring na kapwa natin. Higit pa rito, hindi tayo bukas sa posibilidad na tayo ay posibleng kaakibat sa mga kalagayan at ugnayang nagkakahon (kung di man nagkakadena) sa kanila sa ganitong masamang lagay. Hindi natin matanggap na ang mga ilang "iba" sa ating paligid ay posibleng likha din natin. Hindi natin kayang harapin ang ginawa ng mga nauna sa atin, at natatakot tayo sa mga ito at kung ano ang posibleng harapin ng mga susunod sa atin. Ikakahon natin ang ating mga sarili sa mga komportableng bagay, pati ang ating mga anak, kahit ikamatay ng kanilang pagnanasang lumaki, maging maalam, lumipad. Tandaan: hindi mo mapipigil ang isang isipang nais lumaya. Masaya na ang prinsipeng si Siddharta at mayroon nang pamilya, nguni't pinili niyang maglakbay, mag-aral at magpakasakit upang maging Buddha. Lilitaw ang liwanag sa sinumang nagnanais, mag-isa man o mayroon siyang mga kasama.

Pakikisama.

Siyempre nga naman, tayo nga naman pala uli ay mga "sosyo-politikal na hayop." Emphasis on hayop (paumanhin sa mga hayop). Hayop. Animal. Mula sa salitang Latin na "anima." Kumikilos. May nagpapakilos satin, at ang nagpapakilos satin ang matatawag nating "pagnanasa." Dahil tayo ay mga nilalang na nagnanasa (dala na rin ng pagkakilalang tayo ay kulang), hindi tayo nangingiming gawin ang lahat ng posibleng kailangang gawin para makamit natin ang inaakala nating nais natin at kailangan natin. Minsan napaghahalo natin ang kailangan natin at nais natin, kahit hindi tama iyon. Siyempre, kasi minsan ang nais natin ay kung ano yung makinang, yung nakakasilaw, yung iniisip nating makakatulong para masilaw natin ang iba't hangaan nila tayo. Nakakalimutan natin yung sinabi ni Emilio Jacinto na ang ningning, dahil ito ay nakakasilaw, ay hindi tunay na liwanag. Ang tunay na liwanag, sa kanyang dalisay na pag-iral, ang nakapagbubukas ng mata, ang nakakapagbigay ng kakayahan sa isang tao na makakitang maayos. Siyempre, hindi nagsalubong si Platon at Emilio Jacinto (lalo't ang pananaw ni Platon sa dalisay na liwanag ay nakakasilaw, "white ecstasy" sabi nga ng iba), pero alam mo ang patunguhan. "Great minds think alike," ika nga.

Dakilang pag-iisip.

Marami sa ating takot mag-isip nang higit sa ating kasalukuyang kalagayan. Takot na tayong mangarap. Takot na tayong madapa at masugatan, gayong ang anumang sugat at galos ay nagsisilbing tanda ng isang pusong nagtaya, handang muling magtaya kahit nabigo't nabitin. Hindi kailangang malaki; sabi nga ng aking hinahangaang si Joey Ayala: "ang mga dakilang gawa'y nagmumula sa guni-guni." Hindi nagsisimulang malaki ang mga dakila; nagiging dakila lamang ang mga dakila sapagka't nangahas silang sumampa sa mga bagay na kaya nilang tuntungan nguni't maaari lamang masampahan pagkatapos ng mahabang pakikipagbuno. Nagawa lamang tuntungan ni David ang bangkay ni Goliat pagkatapos makipagbuno't mangahas gumamit ng isang hamak na tirador. Mas okey gamitin ang armas na datihan mo nang ginagamit at alam mong hindi ka bibiguin, hindi ba? Para ring pag-akyat ng bundok: mahirap, puno ng hamon at patibong, pero pagdating sa tuktok, anong ganda ng vista (hindi yung sablay na Windows OS).

Pakikipagbuno.

Huwag tayo matakot makipagbuno. Tiyakin lamang natin kung papaano natin titindigan ang ating pinagtatanggol sa ating pakikipaglaban. Lumalaban tayo dahil mayroon tayong pinapahalagahan. Dahil mayroon tayong ninanasa. Mayroon tayong minamahal na handa nating pag-ubusan ng kahuli-hulihang patak ng dugo. Natandaan ko, kahapon lang sa klase ng isang kagalang-galang na gabay, na delikado gamitin ang pagmamahal bilang kategorya ng pagkilos tungo sa pagbabago. Dahil ang pag-ibig ay pribadong bagay, hindi ito madaling bigyan ng pananagutan. Kapag inilabas mo at pinagwagwagan sa harap ng marami, pag-aagawan iyan. Babasahin. Kikilatisin. Hihimayin. Pipira-pirasuhin. Sira ang kabanalan ng pag-uugnayan ng nagmamahalan. Mula dito, parang hindi katanggap-tanggap ang pag-ibig bilang tunguhin ng ating mga kilos. Kumikilos tayo dahil nagmamahal tayo't nais nating mahalin. Parang hindi dalisay na pag-asa, dahil may inaasahan pa rin tayo. Kung ang tunay na pag-asa ay dalisay at walang bahid pagkamakasarili, posible kayang maging pag-ibig ang pinagmumulan ng ating mga kilos at hindi na ang ating hinahanap? Kumbaga, "if love cannot be the object of our efforts and longings, can it be our driving force/impetus towards greater heights?" Alam ko, parang tinatalo natin si Hannah Arendt sa pinagsasabi kong ito, pero imposible kaya?

Baka naman hindi. Baka naman may silbi ang pag-asa ni Michael Hardt:

"Everyone always talks about them in terms of their hatred, which is of course true too, but I don’t think there’s really a contradiction between love and hate. What I think is really fundamental to them is there’s a kind of “love of the same,” “love of the race,” and that’s what leads so horribly wrong in them. ... One thing that prohibits us from loving the stranger—from enacting the kind of politics that is based on love in a much more general expansive way—is precisely the regimes of violence in the world and those proscriptions for division that prohibit us, that not only make it dangerous, but make it impossible for us to form a politics constructed through love in this way." (A Conversation on the Politics of Love, with Leonard Schwartz).

Siyempre, tinapos ko talaga ang lahat ng sinabi ko sa pagsasalita ukol sa pag-ibig (then again, hindi naman politikal na sulatin ito). Dahil sabi nga ng pamagat ng libro ni Dr. Agustin Martin Rodriguez, PAG-IBIG ANG KATUWIRAN NG KASAYSAYAN.

Dysfunctional Sonnets 1 & 2

Created Saturday, November 20, 2010 at 1:38am

Zenith of my dreams now quite vague,
May probably pass by like a plague,
And perhaps deem me unworthy of thee;
Anguish be mine like worthless Montague,
Rage consume me for I shall not be free.

Has it occured to thee how it pains me
And vexes me when you seemingly flee?
Amazement never falters whenever I glean
How your pensive eyes penetrate and see;
Lighting on my dark countenance so mean.

Does it pain you if I seek so boldly?
Kindly be patient and please forgive me.
O, how can I condense into mere words,
In these paltry lines what I feel for thee?
Not a moment passes by without fleeing birds.

Tenaciously, nay, forcefully, I truly wish
Never may I lose your countenance so waifish;
And let me, my lady, just once to remind you,
A promise that I'll ceaselessly live for you.


Created Sunday, November 28, 2010 at 7:28pm

If someone asks you why one should not cry
Answer them thus: for tears blur our vision
Dim our minds and expose us to a lie
No one can disabuse of such notion.

Or perhaps because we as a rule forbid
Not only sadness but emotion and be tepid;
Like a fire that ceases when fuel runs out
Our lives are worse while feeling than without.

O, foolishness perhaps to stare at the moon
Divulging grave secrets forbidden since noon
Verily now I imagine its sharp crescent
Have become thy smile lighting my descent.

Every evening, therefore, I wander and seek
And yet I cannot find and thus I so grieve;
Your smile, I imagine framed by your cheeks
Radiate that light and hope, my reprieve.

Or maybe indeed I have fallen truly mad
After all, it is nobody but you to be had
Under this existence of wars and pain
Zeus be my witness, I live for you til I'm slain.

Depressing Trends

So eto na nga. Technically hindi pa namamatay ang aking animating principle sa pagsusulat, pero hindi ko na nga lang sa ma blog na ito inilalagay. Kasi nga naman, minsan, mas may taga at mas mabilis ang feedback sa sinusulat sa Facebook via the note system.

But then again, ako nga ba ay nagsusulat to express or to impress?

Siyempre, Atenistang sagot: "pwede namang both e."

Pakyu ka talaga sa iyong golden mean Aristotle.

Because Words are Action...

... and because there is a thin line that separates true love from a mental breakdown.

Why love? Probably one of the most convoluted questions man has asked himself since he began devoting time to talk and think about the subject. For someone who has probably not appreciated the meaning of loving or being loved (as is someone who is willing to take seriously one's being a rock or an island in the midst of people), it would not even be a pressing concern. But perhaps, dear reader, you are not reading this because I am to speak on why it is not expedient, nor efficient, nor healthy, nor wise, to fall in love or even entertain the idea of loving or being loved by someone. It was a question a Philosophy class I was taking has elaborated upon. A wise man emphasized to me how and why there is a need to acknowledge the nature of love as always "for the other," never reflexive but always centrifugal, never "what's in it for me" but "what will make the other happy." When I was asked the question: "why would you love her?" I was stumped, and blurted out very shallow statements. But, perhaps, after mulling over it, I shall attempt to respond to it again:

Why should I love?
I want to love because I am someone who was brought into this world by love. I am a loving being and should therefore succeed in my purpose.
Love is part of my nature. In the same manner was born in the vale of tears due to the conditions and failings of those who came before me, I carry the hopes of those who fell in the dark, wishing to do something about the environment of sadness they have passed through and wished to restore those who suffer to their righteous place of happiness.
I want to love because I myself have been loved yet never was able to return that love adequately. There are things that are given to us as gifts, and a gift is only a gift if the person receiving it does not even feel worthy of even getting considered for it. We can only be able to be part of this economy of gift giving by giving as well, as much as we can, especially when it hurts.
I want to love because otherwise, I believe I would be committing a sin to the world has given me everything in life, good or bad. Should I not love, it would be a disservice not only to me who has not achieved one's purpose in life, but to the very world which allows me to live my life as a person from love and to love.

Yes, I have a right and responsibility to love, and so you will ask, why HER?
It's not because she is charming or because she reminds me of my innocent, younger self.
It's not because she is kind, intelligent and witty.
it's not because I am presumptuous enough to say that she needs someone like me; I doubt it ever crossed her mind.
These might be among those reasons why I would love her all the more, but it was never for those reasons that I would decide to begin saying that I would love her and that my life is tied to and for her.
I love her because... IT IS HER.
Her very person has given my life a purpose beyond achieving my goals in life.
I love her because her happiness and smile has inspired me to do things that I perhaps wouldn't have done otherwise, and because these things have come to give my life meaning once more at that very time I have begun losing sight of it.
Because of her I have rediscovered why I do the things I do.
Because of her I have relearned why I need to appreciate the little things in life.
Because of her the pain of existence has become bearable, if not even light enough for me to carry it with one hand.
Because of her I have learned that I cannot go on living like I used to if I am to be someone of use, worth and service to others.
Because of her I feel alive again, if only for the simple pleasure her smile inspires in me, like the triumphant sunrise or the beautiful tranquility of the moon in all its phases.
Because the few moments I spend in conversation with her give me that hope that I can still be of service or help to those who might need them, even if it should be not her.
Because of her, I want the world to experience the happiness it long dreamed of.
Because of her, speaking about justice has become something that I am implicated in if only for the simple act of avowing to be someone who would protect and stand up for someone.
Because I want to protect her smile, I want to make sure nobody else will cry.
Because of her innate appreciation for the beauty of life, I have made it my oath that everyone can dream of life and should hope once again.
Because her happiness and one smile made me see how my own study of politics, even if it is contentious, bitter and dirty, could and should always protect those who need to be protected and supported, and because they themselves have the right to eudaimonia too.
Because her smile gave me one good reason to live again for everyone.

And I could go on and on and on and on to say what else I can say, yet even if words should be extinguished and I be reduced to ashes, I cannot still say why I should love her. For it is beyond words.

But should she not see it? Should she not appreciate it? Should she decline or reject it?
At this point in my life, for I can only speak for myself in the now when I can no longer change the past nor even prevent what the future holds lest it can be seen in the now, it would not extinguish my hope, even if I shall be deeply wounded.
Her mere existence is enough, her very happiness being secure enough reason for me to go on.
I shall proceed thinking of her all the days of my life, even if it means walking down the road to life alone.
For this memory of her smile, and the unwavering hope, that she shall come to live her life to the fullest, that she shall be happy in her own way and in her own terms, shall let me proceed in doing what I believe is rightful and just, even if it is just a little, is enough.
Even if my unsatisfied hunger and desire shall gnaw at me, her one smile, even if for a passing second, is enough.
For should I insist in loving her in my own terms, even at the risk of her drowning in tears, it shall not be love, but a crime of the highest degree: the violence which mere committal demands that I cease to exist then and there.
For speaking shall never be enough, and any action I should take, even if I should make myself an oblation at the pyre, if driven simply by my own obsessions, shall never be love, but a simple, petty, crime.