Friday, January 22, 2010

Epitaph to Two Years

Dear blog,

I have definitely neglected you for quite some time now. You might have had the impression that I left you and my desire for writing with the end of the year 2009. Let me say that is not true. I only have been undergoing a rigorous regimen trying to understand the problems that I have faced all my developed life. Like someone undergoing pregnancy, there is a need for me to desire and wait and hope and battle out whatever challenges are coming to me and hopefully, I could come back and make things new. I know, good friend (together with the handful of readers that I might have attracted), that my inkwell is dry and reserved for the routinary purposes of my discipline. I know how I have lost touch with my muses and my desire for expression, only using you as a pulpit to mount when I need to make a point. I have stayed with you for these two years. How long has it been? Yet I abandoned you without notice, without much reflection, in circumstances I could have foreseen but did not prevent.

So, as a word of notice, I am silently withdrawing from the blogosphere for some time. I hope this respite will not mean the end of my online journal, but I do believe I need to recuperate. I need to write once again not just because of routine, but because I hope to once again make beautiful music of prose with you.

Here is a plea, which I hope most of you would understand not by mind but by heart.

Not a word, not a command, please.
Silence, an eternity of slumber, do not deny me.

I have worked all my life, written everything,
Said everything, praised everything, condemned everything,
Seen most things, heard most things, smelled things,
tasted things, felt a few things.

I have lived as I am supposed to live
A pathetic lump of dust, a mole in the distance.

I have laughed as men do
I have cried as those who mourn
I have gritted teeth in rage
I have lamented in losses
I have shouted in triumph
I have groaned in defeat
I have exalted those who strove
I have slandered the worthless

Yet I do not know who I am.

An officer. Student. Tutor. Fellow. Friend.
Enemy. Competitor. Bastard. Douchebag.
Judge. Warrior. Slanderer. Murderer.
Philosopher. Scholar. Dumbass. Idiot.
Amateur. Professional. Ne'er-do-well. Genius.
Comrade. Criminal. Marshall. Prisoner.

I have been called many names.

I sought for one that I would carry all my life.

I have not found it.

A man with no name.
Therefore of all names.
A man with no hope.
Therefore of all faiths.
A man with no life.
Therefore of all tombs.

I have long forgotten Your Judgment and Your Plan.
Enough of Judgment and Plans. Enough of your good-for-nothing
demand for sacrifices which You do not appreciate anyway.
Why continue a covenant when You do not fulfill your part?

It's always about us. What about You?!
Someone created You: do not deny that.

One flicker of light is denied.
One puff of breath stolen.
One whiff of flowers hidden.
One lick cut short.
One kiss blown to nothingness.

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